A Catholic perspective on the world and all the good things therein, especially books and food. Literature cum chocolate is the order of the day at The Crockery.

Location: A Collegetown, Undisclosed Location, United States

No longer a graduate student, Teresa is now a professional know-it-all.

Friday, May 12, 2006

No Workouts in Heaven, Please!

Married life has been good to me, if by "good to me" I mean putting meat on by bones, and if by meat I mean "fat." I have gained a good 20-25 pounds in the two years I have been married. (When you are only 4'11", that's a lot of weight to add!) Some of this is probably due to the fact that I eat "real meals" six or seven days a week rather than just two or three days a week. In days of yore, I'd usually have a lean cuisine dinner followed by a Weight Watchers dessert or a bowl of popcorn. Now I have pasta, more pasta, meat, and bread, with a small portion of veggies on the side to appease the Angry Gods of the Food Pyramid. (Oh angry gods, do not strike me down for saying so: remember how much whole wheat I've been eating! Remember the lentils, and be merciful!)

But some of my weight gain is due to the fact that that I'm now ABD. I'm not making this up. When I was in coursework or teaching, I had to walk to and from the parking lot most days a week. That's a lot of walking. Now, I have to walk to and from the mailbox everyday. That's not a lot of walking. I only go on campus once or twice a week, and I generally only walk to one or two places, rather than wandering from building to building.

I also blame my apartment complex. My old complex had lovely trees and sidewalks just made for leisurely walks. I even saw other people walking. I don't see anyone walking at the new place, and the sidewalks are not very inviting. Further, I had two lovely neighborhoods within walking distance of my old complex. Walking several days a week was a pleasure, not a duty or a trial. Here, I have only a cemetary for walking in. I've not yet decided whether to sink that low.

So, in short, I need to lose weight, and I need to lose it in such a way that I can keep it off. I'm not willing to do a crazy fad diet, when anyone can tell at a glance that my problem is not primarly what I eat (though portion size may be a problem), but how much time per day I spend sitting at the computer or the easy chair, reading or writing. What I really need to do is develop a regular exercise regime that I can actually keep up for the rest of my life, depressing as that may sound.

You see, I hate exercise. I heartily agree with the old friend of mine who claimed that it exercise "is the devil." I used to truly believe that eating "sensibly" was all anyone needed to keep a healthy weight. And I thought it worked for me. What I didn't realize was that it only "worked" because I was in the habit of walking a lot. When that sole outlet of exercise was taken away, chaos reigned.

So I caved in and bought some exercise DVDs. Since I have been a long time fan of walking, I decided to give Leslie Sansone's In Home Walking a try. Amazon reviewers said that it was easy. And it was, in fact, easy- at least, the 1 mile walk was easy. Unlike aerobics, these steps were easy to follow. One got the sense that it didn't really matter if you did it "just right." The disk I have even features Christian contemporary music in the background, rather than pop or rock.

Alas, it also features a little cheesiness. Perhaps it's impossible to avoid that entirely on an exercise DVD? Still, one would hope that somehow out there is an in-home exercise program devoid of perky smiles and stupid sayings. This program, though I recommend it, is not that magnum bonum. In fact, because this particular disk is Christian themed, it may have even greater potential for sappacity, inasmuch as Leslie occasionally bursts into commentary on how good God is. "Raise your hands up! Give a hallelujah if you want!" Indeed. What if what you want is to be striken down by a thunderbolt, now, so that you don't have to face the years of exercise? But I digress.

What truly alarmed me was the new heresy which poor Leslie promotes: the idea that there will be workout sessions in Heaven. Workout sessions in Heaven! Surely this is a heresy! For if exercise is the devil, it is tantamount to saying that the devil is in Heaven. And that, we know, cannot be. . . whatever George MacDonald may say to the contrary.

Even if exercise is not literally the devil, we know that it is a result of the Fall. You can't imagine Adam and Eve needing to Walk Away the Pounds, can you? Of course not. And if it is a result of the Fall -required by a corruption of what should have been our perfect nature- exercise will surely not be found in the renewed Earth which will be created for us at the end of time. Before the resurrection, we won't have bodies, so clearly there will be no workout sessions then!

In short, my friends, a new heresy walks the earth, one which confuses evil with good. So please pray for poor Leslie, that her mind may be enlightened. And while you're at it, pray for me, that I may not end up in the perpetual aerobics section of purgatory, for having written this blog.


Anonymous Becky said...

I'm sure the Tim Tams will help with your problem!

Usually, just eating to hunger does allow you to maintain a healthy weight. However, this doesn't work for people who are sedentary, their hunger cues don't seem to work as an accurate guide, and they end up overweight.

Walking is good. I like to dance to Wiggles videos. You probably wouldn't, though. . .

You need a toddler to chase around. I'll mail you Roger along with the book.

11:08 PM  
Blogger Teresa H.T. said...

. . .this doesn't work for people who are sedentary, their hunger cues don't seem to work as an accurate guide, and they end up overweight.

This explains a lot!

11:54 AM  
Blogger Leopoldtulip said...

Some of this is probably due to the fact that I eat "real meals" six or seven days a week rather than just two or three days a week.

Perhaps the best solution would be if your husband just made one-course meals, like ramen. It would be a sacrifice, but I'm willing to do it for your welfare.

12:37 AM  

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