A Catholic perspective on the world and all the good things therein, especially books and food. Literature cum chocolate is the order of the day at The Crockery.

Location: A Collegetown, Undisclosed Location, United States

No longer a graduate student, Teresa is now a professional know-it-all.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Everyone's Got Something to Say

I've been using Splenda in my coffee instead of sugar for a few years now. I thought I had a good relationship with Splenda. I added it to the coffee cup; it sweetened my beverage; I avoided a few calories a day. Not a bad deal.

Lately, however, the deal's gone sour. What's wrong? Well, Splenda started talking back to me. . . and unlike those clever Taco Bell packets, the Splenda packets are poor conversationalists. Here's what they have to say:

"You, me, and the sweet life forever. How's that for a little sweet talk?"

My response: That's wrong! I shouldn't be having an affair with my artificial sweetener! I'm a married woman!

"The sweet life is measured in sprinkles and smiles."

My response: That's not bad as far as the Splenda packet sayings go, but it's kind of inane.

"Good morning! Nice to sweet you."

My response: Retch! I hate puns, particularly in the morning. I'm not sure if even that first cup of coffee of the day is worth a sweetener packet that likes plays-on-words.

So Splenda execs, if you're reading this, I say unto you: it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. I liked it better when my sugar substitute came to me in humility, without delusions of wittiness. You can quote me on that, but please don't put my words on the splenda packet.

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Blogger Leopoldtulip said...

"without delusions of wittiness"

Do you feel that your splenda packet is diluted?

10:26 PM  
Blogger La Mama Loca said...


9:57 PM  
Blogger janeeyreish said...

Do what I did. On one of my diets years ago, I gave up milk and its various delusions.
I used diet sugars and then found they were supposedly delivering cancer. Splenda was the answer, but it cost twice as much, so...because of my naturally saving nature, and more practically I was visiting someone who didn't own any form of sugar substitutes--or sugar for that matter--and also because I'm cheap by nature...I gave it all up. I'm still a coffeeholic, but I'm a recovering splendaholic.

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

On Ash Wednesday, my Caribou Coffee napkin told me, "You look hungry."

8:39 PM  

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